depression introspection

Mental illness + impressive resume = Hard decisions

The proofreading manager Mimi (who I'm friendly with) at my last job told me last Monday that a full-time proofreading position would soon open up in the company and I should submit my resume. I talked it over with my husband last weekend and we came to the conclusion that right now, with my mental health state, it's probably better that I stick to my part-time freelancing schedule.

Well, I got an e-mail from Mimi this afternoon saying that she submitted my resume to HR for me today and I'll probably get a phone call from one of the HR assistants. I'd previously expressed enthusiastic interest in coming back to the company as a proofreader since I don't mind that type of work (and it's what I get paid nice bucks to do right now). But I was hoping that a proofreading position would open up in later on in the future, like oh say, six months from when I left (that would be August). I can't fault Mimi for doing what she did; I told her I was interested in the position. But now, I'm not. And since the people in HR know me and know I've done good work, I'm likely to get a call back sometime next week for an interview. Now, I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm in an awkward position.

(Image from UK Gizmodo)

Fun with banned comments

I was just browsing through my spam comments filter today (I didn't even know I had one until recently) and discovered just how well it works. (If you need a refresher course on what's banned, check the second section of the right-hand column under "Banned Words.") I've put my "clean" revisions (as clean as it can get) in brackets.

Voices

Voices start to ring in your head
Tell me what do they say
Distant echoes from another time
Start to creep in your brain
So you play madness like it's convenient
You do it so often that you start to believe it
You have demons so nobody can blame you
But who is the master and who is the slave?
— Madonna, "Voices" —

DISCLAIMER: No, I don't hear voices. But this song always makes me wonder what my father heard when he suffered from schizophrenia.

The Great Medication Debate, Part 1

"For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required; and to whom much has been committed, of him they will ask the more." — Luke 12:48

Gianna at Psychiatric Drug Withdrawal and Recovery has written a post about reconnecting with her spirituality and working with her doctor on more med tapering. Toward the end, she wrote:

I went for a walk the other day with a woman who could’ve been my client from years ago when I worked with the “severe and persistent mentally ill.” She was so sweet and warm—yet there was a deadness in her that I recognized as familiar from the clients I worked with on heavy neuroleptics. I was so glad to walk with her as an equal and not as a social worker—she is my peer and we talked to each other as such. She is getting tardive dykinesia from her neuroleptic. I asked her how long she’s been on it and it’s been 2 decades. I asked how long she has been stable and she said 12 years. I wanted to scream. This poor woman is half dead inside for no good reason. She is on three medications for bipolar disorder and has had no symptoms in 12 years. I see that as criminal, especially since it’s clear a part of her is dead, just as I’ve been dead for many years but am now coming back to life.

I gently talked to her about talking to her doctor. “If you’ve been symptom free for 12 years maybe you don’t have to be on a toxic drug that is giving you tardive dyskinesia,” I suggested. I didn’t add she struck me as part dead too. I want to help all of us who are being over-medicated and poisoned. How can I do that? This blog is simply not enough.

In response, I wrote this comment on her blog:

Keeping up with the Joneses

The longer I continue this blog and the more comments I receive, I stumble across more mental health blogs that offer unique insight and a wealth of information. However, I have only so much time in the day (and week!) and can't keep up with all of them. This disappoints me as I love to read them all but feel overwhelmed. I use Thunderbird, a program similar to Outlook, that downloads RSS feeds but I already have 30+ sites listed. I'm not a fan of Google Reader. Anyone have any suggestions on how to keep up with the  blogs you read?

Mo. woman indicted for role in MySpace teen's suicide

I've got something to say about this but I don't know if I'll have time to get around to it before I leave for NY this weekend. I worked until after 7 tonight.

Note to self: Don't sign up for a 10K the weekend after a 5K. Especially in another state.

Nice.

"Penis Enlargement Products" made it past my filter. Carry on.

Better off dead or living continually on meds?

I'm tempted to go back on Effexor. I miss the weight loss. The side effects sucked but boy, I loved the weight loss. (It actually caused me to be anorexic, which I know is unhealthy but I think I'd rather be 117 lbs—which, in fact, is within my BMI range—than the 155 that I'm approaching.) I'm considering trying gabapentin as well. I'm weighing my options to see which drug will cause the least amount of side effects. I'm still feeling incredibly overwhelmed. So many medications to treat me and there's so much research for me to do before I settle on one. Gianna has a post up on the number of Americans on pharmaceuticals and Susan is writing on bipolar medication. I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed. I think of people who have gotten off of medication and seem to be functioning well while I'm here wishing I was dead instead of having to figure out what med is going to keep me living.

Current Mood Rating: 4

Motivated, persistent, confident, and resilient—four qualities I do not possess

Thanks for the well-wishes for me and my husband. He is doing better. He is still in some pain but his bleeding has stopped and he's just suffering from sinus drainage. We'll be off to the ENT tomorrow and see what happens. In the meantime, he's stuck eating cold foods and taking cold showers.

I'm having what I call "a day." It basically means it's not the best but I'm dealing with it. I noticed today that I've been overlooking a ton of mistakes on things that I've been proofreading so that's been quite discouraging considering it's my JOB to catch mistakes. I'm also not particularly feeling socially interactive so I'm having some slight social anxiety when I need to smile, interact, and look like everything is right in my world.

I'm also having second thoughts about this freelancing gig. To be a freelancer, you've got to be motivated, persistent, confident, and resilient. I just don't have any of those qualities. I hate the 9-to-5 grind but it's probably what I've got to do. I keep telling myself that I'll take risks this year but I'm so fearful of nearly everything that I'm just willing to run and hide. I want so much to write articles again but I "fear" my best days are behind me. I write fiction but I don't read enough to make them any good. (I prefer nonfiction because it appeals to my hunger for factual knowledge.) I keep trying to tell myself "I can do it" but I can only lie to myself so many times.

I miss doing my regular news posts and other updates but they'll have to wait until I can get my act together. For now, many of my posts will likely be related to my personal life. It's nice to know you find me interesting enough to read them.

Some of you might have sent me e-mails but I'll be responding to them later on tonight. Thanks for your kind thoughts, prayers, and comments.

BJ Harroun left this comment for me on one of my posts Pristiq's FDA Chances: Depression - Yea; Menopause - Nay:

I have just completed my first two weeks on Pristiq. I have suffered from MDD for 35 years. I cannot take Effexor because it increases my appetite. Pristiq has really helped me. I have taken everything and I think I have finally found something that works for me. Don't dismiss this drug because it is an Effexor metabolite.

I didn't expect to see much of a difference between Pristiq and Effexor in terms of side effects since I figure since they're from the same class (SNRI). But I'm glad that Pristiq seems to be helping BJ. It would behoove me to take a look at the PIs for Effexor and Pristiq and check out the clinical trial data and see how they shaped out differently. But there's only so much time for me during the day.