Perfectionistic Tendencies
As the only child of Haitian immigrants (side note: As I write this, I’m making a note to check on the proper usage of immigrant/emigrant), pressure to make them proud was thrust upon me. Making them happy had never been a problem until I wrote my first book at 6 years old. My parents and school librarian marveled at my ability to grasp the concept of a beginning, middle and end with a clear conflict and climax at such an early age. My parents — namely my father — viewed me as a child prodigy in the area of writing. Talk ensued about me skipping a grade; peers envied me as I took second grade reading in first grade; my father strongly encouraged me to write a follow-up story. But, sophomore follow-ups don’t tend to be nearly as good as a debut. I wrote Lila’s Secret Hideout in second grade and poured my heart and soul into the book, which included endless revisions and drafts — with the help of my librarian. My father insisted that Lila’s Secret Hideout was nowhere near as good as my debut, Sarah’s Boots. I spent the rest of my life trying to win another Pulitzer Prize from my father.
I’d continue to fail.
FAIL - what a word - why do we make it such an important part of our lives - with my dad I always FAILED to be skinny - he made my life a living hell because I wasn't skinny - he picked on me and nagged me and called me names because I wasn't what he thought I should be and that was skinny - and I have to this day made sure that he (my dad, who's been dead for 30 years) will never control me being skinny - I will go to my death knowing that he can't control me in this aspect and he won't win - I'll never be skinny (it was the one aspect of my life that he wanted to control more than anything else and couldn't - ever, ever, ever control)
Fail - I never failed - he did - he was a rotten father - he should have picked me up and loved me how I was but he didn't, he belittled me, and mentally abused me - wow, that felt good to let it out - I don't think I have ever done that before - but don't ever think that you failed your dad - you did your best and if it wasn't good enough for him that was his problem - NOT YOURS.
Posted by:mil | July 25, 2006 at 12:08 PM